In My Dreams

In my family there is always a lot of talk about dreams. My Aunt often recounts her dreams step by step in her daily email to all of us. I have dreams that help me figure out what is puzzling me or help me find something that is lost. All in all I think dreams are a fascinating way into people's heads.

Every night that Daniel is going to bed we say the same thing.

me- Daniel, I love you so so so so so so so so so so much.

Daniel- how many so's do you have mom??

me- many many many many (etc) so's. I love you sweetheart

Daniel- I love you too mom.

me- Good night Daniel

Daniel- Good night mom, tonight I'll dream about . . .

fill in the blank. It changes. I always wonder what are in Daniel's dreams. Does he organize his DVD's just so? Does he make sure his dresser items are in their exact place? Does he have flawless conversations with people with no struggle? Does he ride his bike freely whenever he wants? Does he really dream about what he says he's going to?

Yesterday would have been my beloved Uncles birthday. For those of you who read this blog often I had several blogs devoted to him. It was the first May 13th ever without him here in my life. (ok I'm crying again) Last night I mentioned to Daniel that if Uncle Tom was still alive it would be his birthday today. I thought the wording on that may confuse him, and it did. He replied, "Uncle Tom's alive?" I said, "no he isn't Daniel but when he was alive May 13 was his birthday". He looked me right in the eye. Sometimes the moments of clarity he delivers take my breath away. This was one of those times. He said, "Uncle Tom IS alive, in my dreams." Amen Daniel. We miss you Uncle Tom. It is also the anniversary of my mother's death an unbelievable 16 years ago. I was about to say she has missed so much, but I really think she hasn't. That she has been by my side the whole time, seeing all of the wonderful times, and the hard times. It is all of us who have missed out on these past years.

Dealing with Death

I have discovered that for me, writing is very therapeutic. It will be something I do for the rest of my life, whether it is privately or for the internet to see. After writing my Uncle Tom's tribute, I felt so much better. Yes, I cry every time I read it, but it's worth it. I tend to not to be able to verbalize things (talk out loud). I shut down and can't speak. But when I sit at the computer my fingers don't stop moving over the keyboard.

I have been a bit distressed at how Zachary was taking the news of Uncle Tom's death. He wasn't talking about it at all. Where would he get that from? He had DEMANDED we not bring up the funeral to him AGAIN. Well ok. He doesn't DEMAND anything. Ever. I get the message. He came home from school Monday talking about what a terrible day he had. He said "I SHOULD have had a good day, there were lots of good things happening but I wasn't enjoying any of it and I DON'T KNOW WHY?" Hmmm. I'm no psychologist but you just found out yesterday that your very close Uncle died. He said, "really, is that why?" I said, "I'm still very very sad, and will be for a while." "You are???" he asked. Obviously he thought the day was done and it was time to move on. So I suggested he do what I did and write and/or draw something. He is very good at these things and since he can't seem to be able to sort things out, I thought this may be helpful. He was excited about this idea and started "thinking about how to proceed."

He was a bit stuck, so I showed him some pictures that I had gathered to see if that would give him some inspiration. He saw the picture of my aunt and uncle together and I could see him melt inside. "I love this one.", He gasped. It was taken at the Tampa zoo on our last visit to Florida. That was all it took. He was off and working. This is what he came up with:

Front cover

Inside

This is a bit hard to read, but he drew, William H Taft (a president and as I said they shared the love of presidents, and Taft has some interesting stories) The Detroit Tigers logo, the Red Wings hockey stick, Michigan State. A turtle for their visits to "the Turtle Bridge" by Uncle Tom's house. Then he wrote, "This is what I think of when I think of Uncle Tom". Which makes me cry all over again. I seriously have to go buy some waterproof mascara.

I could tell after finishing this last night that he felt a bit better. Before bed he looked at me and said, "The last time I heard Uncle Tom's voice it was singing me happy birthday". Yes it was. I said what a wonderful gift that was, to have that to remember and have it be such a nice message. I wish I had learned at nine that it is helpful to work through your feelings by writing or drawing, if you are unable to talk. I was 41!

I've tried to talk to Daniel more. As soon as I say something about Uncle Tom he just says,"oh no, he died, oops" Which is frankly starting to make me laugh. The "oops" gets me, like he put on the wrong color socks or something?? Then he continues to ask if Aunt Judy is still alive. Yes she is. I asked Daniel if I should have my picture taken with her when I see her to show him. Daniel replied, "THAT would be a great idea." He needs a visual, so I'm going to give it to him. Neither of them are going to the funeral. Zachary because he has made it more than clear, Daniel because whenever people cry he yells at them to stop. A funeral probably isn't the best place for him? Yeah, I think not.

I'm busy getting things settled here so I can be gone for two nights. I have looked through my pictures, had copies made for the family, written my entries and cried my eyes out. I think I'm ready. I KNOW I'm ready to give Aunt Judy and my three cousins huge hugs. I'm ready to go drink a Manhattan or two in my uncle's honor. I'm ready to see my eastern cousins flying in for the funeral. I'm ready to face it all. Will I cry? You betcha. Will I have remembered to buy new mascara? I hope so.

My Dear Uncle, you are already missed

This weekend my dear Uncle suddenly left this world. It was quite a shock to everyone and I am really not dealing with it very well. I am no stranger to death, but losing people does not seem to be something that you get better at. No matter what, it is a process. A process that is different for everyone.

My uncle and my aunt have been living in Florida ever since the year of hurricane Katrina. Even though they are far away from me I believe that I keep in better touch with them now than when they were 90 minutes from me. We "talk" on email daily as well as play games against each other on facebook. My family has gone to Florida several times to visit and they have been here. They treat my children the same as their own grandchildren. They are so full of love it is overwhelming. Besides my parents, they are the people who have been closest to me for my 41 years.

My uncle was, among many things, a teacher and principal. For this, he has touched many many lives. But this is not the context in which I know him. I'll always remember him being funny, clowning around and making us laugh. I spent weeks at a time at their home in Detroit and I can't ever remember a time with him being angry. He raised, with his wife, three wonderful daughters who I feel are more my sisters than my cousins. Besides as an uncle the roles I knew him in are father, husband, brother and son. He was an incredible family man.

He brought me to my first Tiger game as a small child. I remember walking into Tiger stadium with him with my hands already full of treats. He never skimped on those! I remember the giant field and how much he LOVED baseball. I recall being very sleepy and slightly nauseous by the end of that evening.

He was a man of patience. I don't know if I could drive four young girls to Florida in a station wagon in August! Only to spend a few weeks in Florida and turn around and drive back.

He had an amazing energy. He was always thrilled to see you and give you a hug and kiss. He was a very warm person. I remember his freezer being stocked with toasted almond bars in the summer from the ice cream man. He would buy a bunch and throw them in there for later. On those summer days I think of him as we were waiting for him to finish cleaning out the pool so we could all jump in and play.

I remember going to baseball card shows and staying at the Troy Hilton with them while he sold his collections and bought more from others. He was an avid collector of memorabilia.

He always had a sporting event on TV and our common love of Michigan State was very strong. This is where he went to college and met his love. This is where I went to college and stayed with my love and settled down and got married. They loved to come and visit and drive around our beautiful campus and go to the river to feed the ducks.

He had an incredible memory for facts and statistics. It seemed to me that he knew every answer in Trivial Pursuit! His facts of the presidents are one of the bonds he had with my children. He and Zachary would run through them together and then when he told Zachary he could list them backwards, Zachary was determined to learn that too. He had just sent the message to Zachary that Obama had the distinction of being the 4th president with the same double digits. Number 44. That only 11, 22, and 33 also had this honor. They could both tell you the names of those presidents, but not me! Just Friday when we listened to the Happy Birthday song on our voice mail being sung for Zachary from them Zachary turned to me with a smile and said, "I can hear Uncle Tom singing Zachary Taylor for my name". I can't believe that was just on Friday. Daniel does not really understand. He simply asked if Uncle Tom was in heaven and then he asked if Aunt Judy was still alive. I assured him she was. He can't process any of this beyond that.

Uncle Tom was determined to break Zachary's record number of fish caught at Beckie's cabin. He did, and was sure to tell him! He was always joyful, friendly and loving. A wonderful example of a family man that we were all lucky to have as a role model. I am still stunned by his sudden departure from our lives. I can't imagine him not being here to greet us. I loved him very much. I am still trying to find reassurance that he is with us in spirit and watching us. I hope that next summer when Zachary's catching fish that Uncle Tom will be light over his shoulder helping him reel in the biggest one in the lake and gently whispering in his ear congratulations on a job well done.