Follow the Leader

This week is a rare week for our family.  Rare because we have nothing going on.  At all.  It is the one week in between sports for my 13 year old and Daniel even has his week off of Sports Skills because it is MSU's spring break.  Every day they have come home from school, which is strange in and of itself because they weren't getting home until 5:30 most days.  I've felt like we have been just eying each other like we should all be doing something else and feeling like we are late for something that we are not.  Instead of being nice, it's just felt....weird.  We are so used to jumping into the car and getting to the next place, we don't know what to do when it isn't part of the plan.  The good news (?) is it will start again next week.

During this lack of doing anything I read an email from our local Mid Michigan Autism Association.  In it they were advertising the once a month drum circle they have been sponsoring for going on 3 years.  Yes, 3 years and we had never tried it.  Since we had nothing else going on, I decided this was the week!  So I jumped into it (after thinking about it for 3 years). 

I first called my friend who is on the board for this group.  The drum circle is her thing, so I wanted to get a little bit of information about it before I presented it to Daniel.  Because that is what I have to do, lay it out for him so he knows what to expect.  I also wanted to check if her son was going to be there because I knew that would be a BIG draw for Daniel.  They have become friends.  Yes, you heard me.  I think I can genuinely say that they are friends.  They are both on the spectrum and he is two years older than Daniel but they really compliment each other well.  They know when the other is feeling overwhelmed and give each other space.  And since I had been in my blogging hiatus they have 1. gone to a train show together, 2. bowl together every other Saturday 3. had a play date of sorts at their house and built train tracks, 4. went to dinner and a high school football game together.  Now that I write that out, that is pretty substantial and cool!  Yay for us!  Shhhh, don't tell anyone, I don't want to jinx it, but I have hopes of them living together some day.....it's a secret though....

Back to drum circle.  Once I got confirmation the friend would indeed be there, and information about it which included the phrase, "it's really loose and easy" which in no way felt like anything that would be good for either Daniel or for myself, I decided what the heck, we have nothing else going on.  We might as well try it.  Then I ran into a friend at the grocery store who's daughter has been several times.  I mentioned drum circle to her.  She said "as long as Daniel doesn't mind loud noise it will be great".  Ummmmm well that sounds exactly wrong for us!  Let's go for it!  All of these reasons are exactly why we hadn't been in three years. 

So I brought it up to Daniel, told him where it was, which is super close to our house, and he is familiar with it.  One positive.  Because if he didn't know where it was I would be questioned about where exactly it was, how long it would take to get there, when we would leave and he would route it out in his head to make sure we in no way had to pass a Belle Tire.  Phew, we were safe. 

The time came and off we went. . . . . and no one else was there.  Yet.  We chatted with "Don" the leader.  There were all sorts of drums from around the world in the middle of the recital room at a local music store.  Also a table full of interesting percussion  instruments.  Slowly more people arrived and Daniel knew every kid there.  I was getting optimistic about the whole thing when we started.  We started by doing a sort of relaxation, mediation exercise, which was feeling good to me when Daniel started whispering "what are we doing?" "do we have to keep our eyes closed?"  I said no you don't.....and he started exhaling loudly at each exhale which was a clue to me that he was not happy with this part.  Then we all picked out shakers.  Daniel said "no thanks".  And I thought oh crap, he is not going to be into this but yay me he said "no thank you".  As the person was walking away with the shakers he spied a purple one in the sack and said "OH PURPLE" and he called her back.  She found him another purple and we were set.  Two purple shakers.  Excellent for us. 

Then leader Don said we would play a follow the leader with music.  That whomever was the leader could dance around and use their shakers and guide the whole group, just groove however you want.  And in that moment my head switched from worrying about Daniel to realizing how much I would NOT want to the leader.  Ever.  And that a group of people following me in an exercise like this is pretty much my worst nightmare and that I am anything but a free and loose dancer who jams in their own way and I started to have a mini panic attack.  I mean, if Don chose me, I couldn't say no because that would be a terrible example for Daniel, but what would I do (besides look terribly awkward and pray for it to be over?) so I went into the middle school student mode of praying silently that I would not be picked first and tried to make myself invisible even though I was sitting right across from Don.  Then Don picked Daniel and I'll admit part of me was like "phew it's not me!" And the other part was like "crap he picked Daniel who has never been here and has no idea how this works!" I said "Daniel, do you want to lead the group?" and he said YES!  And we all were shaking our shakers and Daniel was shaking away and spinning in circles and jumping up and down (stop jumping Daniel jumping is not good for me anymore...) and he was having a great time!   (and everyone was watching him and not me!) and on it went. He was great. He was having fun, and he loves when everyone watches him!  AND other kids who don't like to lead, eventually led after Daniel's good example AND I never had to! 

We were there for an hour.  About 30 minutes into it Daniel looked at his watch and I thought, "yes Daniel I'm about done too."  It is loud.  But he made it the whole hour (and so did I) and I tried to pretend that grooving and being loose was my thing.  I wish it were sometimes, but it's not, but I'll do it for him, and pretend it is.  It was a success.  A total success.   So much so, that I think we'll try again next month!  But maybe I'll see if Todd wants to bring him next month.  You know, just so he can see what it's like.  Not because I'm afraid of being the leader or anything. 

I'm going to be in band PART 1

I know, not another series right?!? I'm sorry! I promise, it won't go as long as the last one!

I'll admit it. I was always one of the people who made fun of the marching band. If you were a band geek, I mean member, I'm sorry in advance. They seemed to be a very tight knit group, sort of on their own. I never understood marching band. I never had any interest in playing an instrument, my parents never brought it up. They never really ever suggested I do anything, except stay out of trouble and I didn't do a very good job at that! Band was bad enough, but marching band? Why? Just to really sound like a negative grumpy person. . . marching bands march in parades. I don't like parades either. Almost as soon as they start, I'm looking at my watch or trying to figure out where the nearest coffee house is. Let's just say, none of it is my cup of tea, or coffee as the case may be. In college we would make fun of the band geeks on the field. I should have known it would all come back to haunt me. Karma baby.

Music was always a love hate thing with Daniel. He could barely stay in choir for most of K - 4. I have always known how much he LOVES music. When he was 3 we had a keyboard. You could hit one of the keys and make it sound like another instrument, he could tell you the instrument every single time. It was amazing. I knew he had a tremendous ear. So when he was in school and he was screaming in choir and they would take him out. I would usually push for him to go right back in. I always felt like it would click at some point. His choir teacher eventually said, "I think he has perfect pitch and he gets mad in class because everyone's off pitch, or almost everyone." Made sense to me. We had taught him to tolerate things before, I felt we could again. We kept trying. Recorders came. He could not even be in the room for that! I don't blame him. It was horrendous. It was a constant push/pull. We kept at it. Again, this seems to be a theme. For YEARS. Then at the end of 4th grade, about a year and a half ago, we were talking about Daniel's classes for 5th grade. In our school system for 5th and 6th grade you have a choice between, 1. Strings 2. band and 3. Choir. You choose one of them. Daniel announces to me, "I'm going to be in band and I'm going to play the tuba" What? Where did that come from? I always know I'm in trouble when he announces something with such conviction. . . .it was very similar to the bike thing. He was going to do it. That was the end in his mind.

We had one of our "team Daniel" monthly meetings. Here I bring up the fact that he wants to be in band. Most people laughed. OK, don't get mad at them for laughing. Because you have to understand the group. We were all very close and most I consider my friends, and I still do even though he isn't in that school anymore. They had all been there through the ups and downs of choir. Knowing how hard music has been. I said, "no really, he wants to be in band and I'm going to make it happen". Cricket, cricket. I said, "you know what, Daniel asks us for almost nothing. He rarely asks for anything from us. This he is asking for and I'm going to give it to him." I left that meeting knowing that somehow, I had to make it happen. It was a dream of his. He could see himself marching with that damned instrument.

The first problem was that the tuba was not offered. So I found out what the closest instrument to that was. The baritone. I showed Daniel a picture of a baritone online. . . "that's it," he said. It's a done deal. Well, at least in his mind!?!