Sunday Swim

Daniel started his Sunday swims in the 3rd grade. After a summer of wracking my brain trying to come up with a reward system for him, it finally came to me. The kid loves the water, lets use it. I went through many many scenarios trying to come up with the ideal structure. In 1st and 2nd grade, Daniel was in the intolerable habit of hitting people. 2nd grade was much improved over the 1st grade. But not good enough. The fact that he picked who would be the victim of his physicality made me very suspicious that he did indeed have some control over this impulse. I hear people all the time, "but he's autistic". Phooey. In my opinion he could be taught other ways to get out his aggressions and frustrations. Hence my desperate attempt at a reward system.

The system had to have a pretty immediate feedback. For instance he couldn't wait until the end of the school year to reap his reward. Daily seemed like too much to maintain, so I settled on weekly. This was the deal. Each day that he got through the day without putting his hands on someone he got a star for that day. We have a chart in our laundry room, that is a blank calendar. If he doesn't hit any one he gets a star. If at the end of the week he gets a star for every day of the school week we will take him swimming on the weekend.

When I first proposed this to the school, since I needed their help reporting. I was met with scepticism. They felt that, for instance, if he hit someone on Wednesday and lost his star he would give up for the rest of the week and would turn into some sort of child sized fighting champion trying to get it all in that week. I really didn't think that would be the case and I held my breath and stuck by my proposal. The basis for this is that when he would hit, he would have great remorse. He immediately would crumble and be horrified at his reaction. If there was a bright side to this aggressive side of my beautiful boy, it was that he would only hit the adults at school. Never a child. He had pushed one or two. But this also led to me thinking he could do this. The school agreed that they would write to me in his notebook at the end of every day if he had earned his star. I sat Daniel down with a chart and wrote out that all the stars = swimming that week. The next week we start over and he starts earning another swim. He was very enthusiastic.

Week 1 all stars earned (even getting a brand new para pro at the last second before school started) Go swimming.

Week 2 all stars earned. Go swimming. (Mom is starting to see that she has committed herself to something here that she can NOT go back on but it's working.

Week 3. Note home. Daniel lost his star. He punched his para in the arm. The para reported that he wasn't even mad. He was just sitting there are he hauled off and punched her. I immediately thought, "this is a test, this is only a test, do not fail the test Michelle, stand by your plan". So when he got home, I braced myself for what was to come when I told him there would be no swimming this weekend because he chose to use his hands on someone. The fit that followed was unprecedented. But I held strong. No swimming. AND the days that followed that week he did not go around hitting people because he had already lost out. On the contrary he said, "I can earn my star today!". So the stars were becoming as important as the big reward. Excellent.

After that test run he never hit someone again until the middle of 4th grade. It was a kid this time. And not to be all,"it wasn't my son's fault" but I'm fairly sure, based on who the kid was, he had it coming. Nevertheless, he lost his swimming. Now we are almost finished with 6th grade and he hasn't lost it since then. We found the right mix of ingredients and come up with a whopper of a result.

That is a lot of background for what happened at our Sunday swim yesterday. I had forgotten that a newly formed autism group rented out the pool from 5 - 7 for a fun "get to know you" mixer. Oddly enough Daniel and I did not arrive until 4:00. Much later than usual and because it normally closes at 5:00 Daniel had gotten out and went to shower. It was only after he was in the men's locker room that I remembered what was happening as a few people were coming into the pool area. A boy who is 17 and goes to Daniel's Thursday swim, and has for the 6 years Daniel has been going, was in the pool. I don't think they have ever interacted. This boy, I'll call him Luke.

I told Daniel that I forgot there was this "party" he had been invited too and that if he wanted he could go change back into his swimsuit and swim some more. He said, "I already swam". I knew that would be the answer. I told him that I had to stay for a few minutes anyway because Luke's dad asked me to keep an eye on him. In a few minutes I asked Daniel if he was SURE he was done, because he could go back in. I was so impressed with how he took this, because I know a year ago he would have been very mad at me for even suggesting the change in schedule. He said, "I don't know yet". A few minutes later he said, "Ok I'll go back in". He stood up, went in the locker room and I swear, he was back out in 15 seconds. It was very "Superman going through a revolving door". I brought Daniel over to Luke, who has a very limited vocabulary and doesn't communicate well, and introduced them. Luke said, "Hi Daniel". I suggested they "race" down the slides, because there are two identical ones side by side. And they did it! They'd stand at the top, Luke would count 1, 2, 3 and they'd fly down into the water laughing. Over and over and over, until Daniel said, "I'm tired, I think I'll rest now". Later, they played catch, then shot baskets in the basketball hoop. For an hour the PLAYED together. It was a beautiful interaction for both of them. I was so overjoyed. Then Daniel said, "I think it's time to go home now." Luke made a very very sad face. Daniel said, "I had fun with you, see you on Thursday". And just like that, I think a friendship blossomed between these two boys with autism. Very fitting for the beautiful weekend we had, with flowers and trees budding all around us. I felt like I was watching both of these boys grow, internally, right before my eyes. It was a beautiful beautiful thing.

And the Oscar goes to. . . .

I am in my post Oscar fog right now. I stayed up until 1:00 am last night cleaning up after my low key party. This is my 3rd year having a few of the ladies from my neighborhood over to watch the Oscars. We have a neighborhood thing going on where the guys play poker once a month and the ladies try to get out once a month. That doesn't really happen, but we try. As my turn to plan I started having these 7 women over to watch the Oscars with me. I always watched it on my own, and it's a lot more fun to share it with others. Plus I threw in a prize for guessing the most awards correctly. It makes those "best sound mixing" awards a lot more interesting when you throw in a little friendly competition.

Besides getting ready for this, I had my cousin's family here all weekend then went to the MSU basketball game on Sunday afternoon. I'm tired and I feel that scratchiness in my throat that may be an indication of my first illness of this long cold winter. I have a busy week and am thinking I won't be at full strength. I know, enough whining I'm a lucky girl to have all of this on my plate!

In my rush getting home from the basketball game I had an hour and a half to get the rest of my gathering together. Of late Daniel has been hanging around me a lot in the kitchen. He loves to watch me washing dishes and cleaning up. I have been asking him to do a few things here and there because I felt that maybe he wanted to help, but wasn't asking. It can be confusing with Daniel because his verbal nature makes you think he can just ask for something or tell you his needs and sometimes he just doesn't know how to do that. You have to read him.

Yesterday, while I was in preparation, Daniel was again at my heels. A bottle of Windex was sitting on the counter, so I asked him to clean the table. He sprayed it down and wiped it all clean. It looked pretty good. Then the vacuum was sitting in the family room right off of the kitchen. I thought, what the heck, I asked him to vacuum the f.r. He did. I went in and showed him a few areas to go over again, and he did, without getting mad at me. (Note: he can get upset when you try to show him something because he feels the need to do everything perfectly. So pointing things out like this usually means he didn't do it perfect) Meanwhile I was getting the food and drinks ready. We watch the show in the basement because we have a big screen TV and a wonderfully huge, comfortable sectional in a nicely finished basement. But that makes for a lot of trips up and down the stairs. I kept putting things on the island and Daniel would pick things up and say, "where do I put it"? I'd tell him and HE'D DO IT. It was amazing. AND extremely helpful. I don't think I would have finished on time had he not done that. He ran up and down the stairs a LOT putting things in place for me.

For a while now we have been giving him small jobs and using a job chart. He LOVES the job chart. We started simple. Brushing his teeth twice a day is on there, along with making his bed every day. This is NOT something he did regularly before the chart, but now he does. We also have things he is working on in speech. Like "Do something nice for someone". I realize that isn't a traditional "job", but with Daniel he will be much more likely to do something if you write it down. Maybe everyone of us should write down every day to, "do something nice for someone", it might be a lot nicer world?! I think after all of the wonderful things he did yesterday I'm going to have to add on to that chart. We go over it at the end of the day and check off all of the things he accomplished. It is a wonderful POSITIVE (there's that word again) way to end the day.

When all was said and done, things were ready when the guests arrived. I didn't get that red carpet out that I bought last year, because I ran out of time. But for all intensive purposes, the things that should have been done, were done. Daniel was really proud of himself for being so helpful, I was thrilled to have him with me and to be able to give him lots of positive reinforcement with compliments of his good work. Plus Daniel is learning things he needs to do if that day ever comes when he is able to go out on his own. Cleaning up, vacuuming, and really, socializing too. I think the Oscar should really go to . . . Daniel ok and maybe my husband who needed to work, but let me go to the basketball game then have my party.