It was Easy!

It's been a big week here!  Just the other day I wrote about Daniel's progress with his biggest fear.  Then yesterday came along and I thought, which one is Daniel's biggest fear?  I can't say for him, but let's say if he was in the book Divergent these two things would be in his fear simulation! (I love that book!) 

Yesterday we went to the pediatrician.  Daniel has fallen into a pretty decent routine there, mostly because they have been very accommodating and let him opt out of the dreaded finger poke and frankly, all of his shots for the past 12, yes 12 years.  When we were in the office yesterday and the nurse looked back to his last vaccinations and I heard his last one was in the year 2000, I just thought, of course it was!  I hadn't thought much about it, but there it was in front of me 2000.

So many things happened in the year 2000.  Besides the obviously new century and all, my wonderful son Zach was born in January.  That was a fantastic way to start a new year and century.  Later that year, we moved back to East Lansing.  No small thing with a newborn and a 3 year old who was very perplexing and spent a lot of his time screaming and crying, much to my confusion.  I was excited to move back to East Lansing and get back to our original pediatrician, the one we had after Daniel was born.  I wasn't getting any answers from our Dr's in the Detroit area and I was frustrated.  I had a new baby and I was finally ready to "hear" the answers.  So yes, when we got back here, our pediatrician was the first (and it's unusual for this to happen) to say "he's autistic".  With all of the changes that were happening, during this first visit Daniel screamed the ENTIRE time he was in the office.  It was a huge change that at the time, I had no understanding how upsetting that would be for him. I didn't understand (yet) how big of a problem that change would be for him.   I hadn't put together until yesterday that he had never gotten a shot in THIS office.  That first trip to the pediatrician screaming set a long standing precedent.  Which brings me back to the fact that he has not gotten a vaccination in 12 years.  That is NOT because of the vaccination groups who say it is what causes autism.  I take the same stand as A Diary of a Mom, when I say, while I have nothing but respect for those who think this caused their child's autism. They have every right to their own feelings.  Nor can I have any say in THEIR journey.  We have all traveled down different paths.  Every single child with autism is different.  I know of a few people that I have heard their stories personally that it does seem like a vaccination contributed.  In my opinion, there are many different factors that contribute to autism. 

There, I got THAT out of the way.  BUT I will say that if I had a baby today....I would choose to vaccinate, but carefully.  And by that I mean, one vaccination at a time.  I would not allow three or four at a time.  Ever.  I have learned along parenting journey that we as parents have the last say about everything and one of the people who taught me that is our pediatrician.  I adore him.  We have had very intelligent conversations about vaccines.  He has not been comfortable with Daniel being so far behind, and really, neither have my husband and I.  But I remember one talk with my pediatrician and I said, "I am not against it, we just can't do it now.  If we hold him down and inject him, he will never come in your office again.  He may destroy it in a fit, and if he has an ear infection he won't trust us.  Ever. Again".  And he understood that.  We both agreed him having access to medical care was more important at the time than a vaccine.  He respected my opinion and for that I will always be grateful.   Not all kids with autism are the same (I'll say it again) this is just DANIEL.  So I waited.  I waited until I felt he was ready.  I waited for him to understand.  And over the last year I have seen things change.  We got a puppy and I told Daniel the PUPPY got vaccinations.  Daniel was shocked.  He said "Oscar did?".  I took every opportunity to have a calm discussion.  Usually it would end with Daniel saying "I will NOT get a shot".  But I could see his wheels turning. 

People will tell you they HAVE to have these shots for school.  It is not true.  You can get around it.  I have.  For years, and it's not that difficult. 

This all prefaces that yesterday my boys had pediatrician well visits.  I purposely scheduled them together.  At the same time.  This was a bit overwhelming.  I am becoming less successful at juggling many things at once, so trying to talk to the nurse, fill out paperwork, help Daniel answer questions, and keep him calm and trying to give equal attention to Zachary was challenging for me.  I do feel a bit guilty that I was exposing Zachary to yet another challenging situation and using him as a guinea pig.  But I have to say, I couldn't have done it without him.  I hope he understands.  I hope he doesn't hold it against me. 

I walked into the appointment and told the nurse we were going to try to give Daniel one vaccination today. I won't go into detail but there was some back and forth with the nurse.  She doesn't know him.  I do.   I have mastered the art of conveying this in a polite yet firm way.  I know how to work Daniel.  I told Daniel before we left our house he was getting a vaccine.  This spiked his distress. But I have to be up front with him.  He has to trust me about all else.  He began protesting.  Yelling.  I will probably get judged for this, but I gave him a Valium.  I had one left.  Our Dr. gave me two back when Daniel needed a tooth pulled.  I used one then and kept the other for a special occasion.  That being yesterday.  I could tell as we were walking in to the office it kicked in.  He got giggly and started singing.  Zachary smiled at me.  But before you judge, the Valium relieved DANIEL's stress level.  It helped make him not so terrified.  Not completely, but it took the edge off a little bit.  He was still mad at me and protesting.  But it was manageable.  When it came down to it and to make a very long story (shorter) Zachary got a vaccination first.  I pulled Daniel over to watch it.  The nurse said to Zach "think of a happy place".  and in an animated voice, totally for Daniel's benefit Zachary said, "I'm going to think of the beach, it is my happy place, I love the water it is so relaxing" (GOD I LOVE THAT KID!) and the nurse stuck him and Daniel said "that's it?".  Zachary said, "that's it, it is SO EASY!!!!!"  

The nurse left the room and Daniel sat down.  She brought in another tray.  We decided on the Meningococcal vaccine because 1. it's required. and 2. it doesn't hurt for days like tetanus does. and 3. the MMR still scares me as he is allergic to eggs.  Daniel figured it out immediately and started escalating (keep in mind he is 6'1" and 219 pounds.  A tantrum is HARD to deal with!)  I walked up to him and trying to get him to hear me over the "nononononononononononono" yelling from him.  He came down enough and I said, "what is your happy place?" he answered "the circus (?)" He continued to protest and I said we were doing it.  I was sure he could.  We started taking about the circus, I was holding his arms firmly but not pinned.  The nurse was worried about him grabbing her and I don't blame her.  Daniel upset can be SCARY due to his size.  I told him she was wiping his skin and he was upset and boom. It was over. 

He said.  "That's all?  That was so easy."  And here he is. 

All he said all day.  "it was so easy!"  I know my child.  I knew he was ready.  I also knew that once he did one, he would calm down and realize it wasn't what he thought it was.  I knew that it had to be done in a not so traumatic circumstance so he could process it and not remember the trauma around it.  So yet another door is opened.  Nancy our nurse was fabulous.  She offered that if we come into walk in immunization times to ask for her and she would help.  She followed my lead and respected what I knew would work.  Now Daniel is a little more protected then yesterday which makes me feel good.  He also has learned a bit more.  He learned that he could do it.  He learned again, most importantly, that I was not misleading him.  That what I said was absolutely true.  That his brother is there for him, always.  That we can guide him through a difficult time and he can trust us and rely on us.  That even though it wasn't easy.  It will (probably) be from now on.  He learned that his could do it, and that opens up the door to so many other things.  Next to that Belle Tire guy, he conquered his next most overwhelming fear. 

Last night we went out for ice cream (which I promised him after he did it) and we clinked our ice cream together in celebration of a job well done.  

Vaccinations

I wasn't planning on doing this post but I popped over to dooce.com today and found this topic. I have to say I'm slightly relieved because we sat around our house all afternoon today and that wasn't going to make for a very interesting post about spring break. . .

I have mentioned dooce.com before. It is a very popular site that has nothing to do with autism, usually. Heather B. Armstrong, the author, is currently on a book tour around the country. She is rather successful and I enjoy reading her. She also takes part in "momversations". I have found many of these momversations quite interesting. It is different blogger moms who each tape their views on a topic. This one is about, vaccinations. Oh boy. This is a big one. It has become quite the hot topic. I watched a Dr. Nancy Schneiderman on The Today Show get so worked up about vaccinations I thought her head was going to spin completely around. First, the video.




As always, I have my opinions. When people find out I have a child with autism, I would bet half of them say, "do you think vaccinations caused it?". It is so hard for me. My answer is such a wimpy non answer and it's "I don't know". Daniel definitely went backwards in his development. He developed speech then lost it. Until age 2 he ate everything put in front of him, then stopped. He didn't tantrum all the time, then he did. He CHANGED, at about age 2. I remember, probably more than others, exactly when he got his MMR injection. For those of you who don't know, it is the MMR (Measles, Mumps, Rubella) shot that is the one with all of the controversy. I remember because we went to the allergist office to have it done. Daniel had tested positive, but not very high, allergic to egg. The MMR vaccine contains egg, so he had this shot in a controlled environment able to help if an allergic reaction occurred. He had no noticeable reaction on his arm. No reddening, nothing. It was a significant amount of time after that he changed. I really don't think it was in direct correlation to that vaccine.

I HAVE, however, heard stories. Lot's of stories. I'm not saying they aren't true. Not at all. Some have sounded true enough to me to put the fear of God into me. Parents who gave their kids the vaccine, then they lost their child little by little. They worked and worked and the child had speech, then they got the booster at age 12 and it was gone again. I don't know if this is the autism urban legend or what. It was a friend of a friend. I've read all the studies. Total honesty here, I have not given Daniel his booster. I just can't bring myself to do it. What if something happened? Could I live with myself? Could I watch him regress in front of my eyes again? It is gut wrenching to me. I completely understand why the moms on this video wouldn't understand this. I don't, however, understand why if they are vaccinating their children, WHY they would be so emotional and upset about it. Their kids can't get the measles. So why judge? I have sat CRYING in the Dr's office about this. I have talked to the Dr. on the phone about it, with tears streaming down my face. It is a hard decision. The obvious flip side is, what if he gets the measles? That's the question isn't it? He could die from any of those diseases. But most likely not. I have yet to find the answer. It angers me that we, as parents, are put into this position. For the people who have been shown that they "fudged" their research, it infuriates me that you would plant that doubt into my head.

The people who anger me are the people who have no reason to be afraid, but listen to someone like Jenny McCarthy who goes on her book circuit saying vaccines did this to her child. She says "she knows". She does not KNOW. She thinks that is the case. I guarantee you there are people out there who then say, well, we aren't going to give that vaccine. Because an actress THINKS she KNOWS something. She is a parent just like you and I. But she has pull, she has a louder voice because she can go onto Oprah. I don't think it's right for her to scare people when she doesn't really KNOW. I've had people ask me if anyone has ever written a book about autism, as a parent, besides Jenny McCarthy! There are 100's maybe thousands. But people only know HERS.

It isn't just people who are scared of autism who aren't vaccinating. Plenty of people do it for religious reasons. I know several families of chiropractors who haven't vaccinated any of their children. It's what they believe. Why is no one mad at them??

I'm going to fess up that Zachary hasn't had his MMR vaccine either. BUT he has an anaphalactic reaction to eggs. He can't have it. Part of me feels that this is a blessing. He can't have that vaccine because of a medical reason and it's an acceptable reason. I don't have to decide. Thank God. At this time we don't have an alternative. He has had all the rest of his vaccines.

Dr's say they KNOW it doesn't cause autism, some parents say they KNOW it does. Some of us, like me, are caught somewhere in the middle. The Dr's are frustrated with us that we are scared, the parents who we don't agree with think we are traitors, and there are parents who are mad at us for not vaccinating our kids. Who's the winner here? I'll tell you, NO ONE! I hope the answer will be known someday. Whatever it is, I really hope we find out what causes autism. Not because it should be "cured". But so this madness, finger pointing and blaming can STOP, and we can get to the business of taking care of our kids, to the best of our ability.

So if you happen to find my little blog Heather B. Armstrong. I hope this gives you some insight. You said you didn't understand so I wanted to try to give you and everyone else in your shoes a glimpse of the why, at least my personal why. I'm sure there are a million whys out there. You are welcome your opinions we all are. I hope this helps you understand a little bit the pain that this topic causes. You can never understand entirely until you have seen your child slip away from you and I hope that is something you never ever have to know, for sure.