Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Melancholy

I don't know what's been going on with me, but I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. Hence the ignoring of my blog. I keep staring at the space unsure of what to do next. I constantly have people telling me I SHOULD be overwhelmed, I have a lot on my plate, I'm doing a great job etc etc. I don't take compliments very well and usually brush them off with a wave of my hand and change the subject. I, however, don't feel like I should be overwhelmed, yet I know, deep down that I am and that bothers me a bit.

I like to think I take things in stride. But what I end up doing is swallowing it, smiling and (usually) keep moving forward. Every so often I panic and want to hide under my blanket with a vodka and something and retreat from the world. I never do that. Well at least I don't pour the drink. Sometimes I take a few days and retreat into myself and think. Plan. I joke about the voices in my head. They aren't the kind that tell me to do things but the kind that help me sort out what I'm processing at the time.

We got through spring break doing most everything on Daniel and Zachary's list. We went to Grand Rapids and visited the Grandparents. Spent the day at Meijer Gardens saw Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D (which I highly recommend)I loved watching Daniel keep reaching out and trying to grab the objects that appeared to be coming at us. Once when it appeared that water splashed us all he reached over to my husband and wiped off his shirt and innocently asked, "are you wet?" He is so sweet I can't stand it sometimes. We had our Easter Egg hunt and did Easter baskets. Daniel received the Pinocchio DVD in his basket. I've talked about that movie here before. He was THRILLED. They had a GREAT time. It was cold but the sun was shining. All of the reasons were there for me to be elated and I somehow only felt scroogish and glum. I'm in my funk that starts to creep up on me at this time of year. I never see it coming for some reason and yet it always does. It creeps it's way into my brain. I get short with people and a bit panicky. I find myself having to take deep breaths and count to ten before moving forward.

Maybe it's because it's IEP time, carnival, meetings, knowing summer is coming. Summer is my favorite time of year, but it comes with the inevitable transition problems for Daniel, the questions from him that I am unable to answer (like who will my parapro be next year) and the newness of yet another transition.

I have heard back from the school and they agreed to give him a para during lunch. They added in 25 more minutes of speech in another session and changed the language on the transportation issue. All GREAT news, but I still haven't signed my IEP. I'm still feeling a bit empty and overwhelmed and don't know why. I have a conference coming up in a few weeks that usually revitalizes me and gets me going. I'm hoping once these things are resolved I will once again overcome this melancholy feeling. In the mean time I have to get back to baking my brownie/cheesecake dessert for tonight. Maybe those will help me, along with that vodka and some friends.


Here is our Meijer Garden outing:

3 comments:

kristi said...

We loved that movie too! And TC did great!

I am sick, and I am feeling tired and grumpy and like I need to hide under a blanket too!

((HUGS))

rhemashope said...

Sorry, friend. The stressors resulting from autism, IEP meetings, transitions, etc. are very real. It is normal and o.k. to feel overwhelmed. I have been thinking about this a lot lately...

Do something for you. Cheesecake and friends sounds like a great start. Hope you feel better soon.

(I clicked on the conference link and had to laugh when I saw that title about Napoleon Dynamite and Aspergers!)

Tanya @ Teenautism said...

Oh, Michelle, I know what you mean. The big transitions are hard on parents, too. Just this week we've been to the high school for pre-registration and I didn't know whether to cry or hyperventilate. Nigel starts high school in September. His next IEP is coming up and I have to start planning while dealing with Aidan's impending surgery and recovery. Sometimes it doesn't seem humanly possible to do it all but somehow we do. Thinking of you and hoping things go okay for you.