I have heard about you. Ever since Daniel was a newly diagnosed child with autism, people have warned me about you. I knew you were coming. I dreaded it even. I never thought people were exaggerating, but it's hard to imagine some things until you are in the middle of them.
You have made my guy spring up into an even bigger guy. You've made him as tall as his dad at 13. You've left his dad's shoe size in the dust. You've hit Daniel so hard that sometimes he doesn't know WHAT hit him. You've made him volatile. You've made him angry. You've made him unsure. You brought back the aggressiveness that had become part of his past.
You've brought back the discussions with school, the "reports to administration", the lightning fast loss of control, only to dissipate to show us our sweet sweet boy again. You rear your ugly head, making it hard for Daniel to control you. He could barely contain himself before, but now you take him by surprise. He doesn't know what to do with you and neither do I.
I have been warned about you, from parents, from teachers, from blogger friends, even from Temple Grandin! I knew you were coming and still we can't stop you. It's a part of growing up, a part of development, I know, I know. It's a hard time for everyone! But as usual, for a person with autism, it's even more confusing. For a person who is trying to control his actions 24 hours a day ANYWAY, you make it harder. And for that, I am angry at you.
I am angry that I am back to dealing with aggression. I am angry that you make Daniel feel bad about himself when you enrage him. I'm a little bit angry that my little boy is no more. I think it's a bit harder to accept since in so many ways he still is a little boy. He likes V tech toys, Winnie the Pooh and the Seven Dwarfs. But still you come.
I know we will get through this, it is yet another mountain to climb. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over a mountain without seeing another looming in front of me. This is a big one. But we'll make it over you. We may fall a few times, we may slide backwards, we may even start an avalanche or two, but I bet the view from the top of that mountain will be worth it. You are pushing my boy towards manhood, just don't push his mama off the cliff. . .
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