Friday, February 5, 2010

Dear Hormones

Dear Hormones,

I have heard about you. Ever since Daniel was a newly diagnosed child with autism, people have warned me about you. I knew you were coming. I dreaded it even. I never thought people were exaggerating, but it's hard to imagine some things until you are in the middle of them.

You have made my guy spring up into an even bigger guy. You've made him as tall as his dad at 13. You've left his dad's shoe size in the dust. You've hit Daniel so hard that sometimes he doesn't know WHAT hit him. You've made him volatile. You've made him angry. You've made him unsure. You brought back the aggressiveness that had become part of his past.

You've brought back the discussions with school, the "reports to administration", the lightning fast loss of control, only to dissipate to show us our sweet sweet boy again. You rear your ugly head, making it hard for Daniel to control you. He could barely contain himself before, but now you take him by surprise. He doesn't know what to do with you and neither do I.

I have been warned about you, from parents, from teachers, from blogger friends, even from Temple Grandin! I knew you were coming and still we can't stop you. It's a part of growing up, a part of development, I know, I know. It's a hard time for everyone! But as usual, for a person with autism, it's even more confusing. For a person who is trying to control his actions 24 hours a day ANYWAY, you make it harder. And for that, I am angry at you.

I am angry that I am back to dealing with aggression. I am angry that you make Daniel feel bad about himself when you enrage him. I'm a little bit angry that my little boy is no more. I think it's a bit harder to accept since in so many ways he still is a little boy. He likes V tech toys, Winnie the Pooh and the Seven Dwarfs. But still you come.

I know we will get through this, it is yet another mountain to climb. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get over a mountain without seeing another looming in front of me. This is a big one. But we'll make it over you. We may fall a few times, we may slide backwards, we may even start an avalanche or two, but I bet the view from the top of that mountain will be worth it. You are pushing my boy towards manhood, just don't push his mama off the cliff. . .

5 comments:

Ann said...

Great post. GREAT post. The hormone thing hit us hard with a son the same age who is not autistic, and I really can't imagine dealing with it without the ability to communicate with him about the changes, and about the need to find a way to remain balanced and civil even when your feelings are all over the place. I am sending you good rays for strength and patience, and hoping that the community of people who care so much about your family will get you through this.

jennykate said...

Michelle,another wonderful post. This time is hard on everyone, I believe, but with love, understanding and teachable moment, I know you and Daniel will get through it. I just think it is wonderful that Daniel's personality still shines through even during a "hormone storm." As the mother of two girls, I get saddened every time one of my friends goes off about how horrible my life will be in a few years. Both women and men go through these changes and if we could get over the stereotypes concerning adolesence, it would help everyone. I wish you peace during this stage and I know you are the best teacher for Daniel.

Tanya @ TeenAutism said...

This is a tough one. At 15 now, Nigel seems to have plateaued with his hormones to some extent, but his medication probably has a lot to do with it. 13 was a hard year, for a lot of reasons. But by 14, it had mellowed, and even more by 15. Hoping it does for Daniel too.

Beck said...

Great post, Shel. Externalizing the problem can be a very empowering way to look at things. I'm a big fan of it and of yours! Keep fighting the good fight, woman. Oh, and Hormones...if I were you...I'd sleep with one eye open! :)

Me said...

What a great post. We are just entering into that at 12. So great that you are in tune to your son and can empathize with his struggle. He's lucky to have such a great mom!