What the warm days bring....

I have been finding it more and more difficult to find time to blog. I have things that come up and find myself "writing" in my head, but don't actually get it onto the computer. My work as an advocate has picked up, tis the season, IEP season that is. I know the feeling all too well. Spring always seems to bring up my own anxieties. It may not even be about school, but there always seems to be a combination of stresses that bring out mini panic attacks.

I love the beauty of these spring days, the warm sun finally showing itself after a long winter. But those high 60 degree days with spring flowers blooming also remind me of how much my mother loved those days. It was during these kind of spring days that we also found ourselves in the hospital with her. It was 1993, the year that she died. I remember one of the days my husband and I left the hospital for a few hours. We were driving through the beautiful neighborhood surrounding Blodgett hospital, the sunlight flickering through the trees. The wide boulevard with huge homes flanking either side. It was jarring after spending days and nights at a vigil by my mothers bedside. I already knew that she wasn't really with us anymore, but it wasn't quite "over". I was in a haze from lack of sleep, only 25 years old, and knowing that this would be last time of seeing my mom who was only 20 years older than me. I'm an only child so we had a particularly close relationship. I remember the feeling more than anything. The confusion over feeling the sunshine, the warmth, the rebirth of trees and flowers, but the loss of my mother at the same time. I said aloud, "this is her favorite kind of day" while looking out the car window. Words that I think every year and cause the heaviness in my chest. The toxic combination of loss and panic and sadness, that I often wonder if it will ever go away. It seems to be compounded by the stress of planning for another year of Daniel's school, the crazy schedule at the end of both children's school year, and the promise of summer. What I can't figure out is why I don't see it coming. What can I do to prepare myself?

I have finally thrown down the gauntlet and started exercising again. Not only have I been carrying around an extra 15 pounds, but the feelings that I carry start causing pain in stress points in my back and shoulders. I remembered back to 5 years ago and a Dr. had talked about fibromyalgia possibly beginning. He talked about exercise being a great way to combat the stress and pain. I jumped into it completely and started to feel better, physically, than I had in a long time. When I exercise I do it all or nothing, much like everything else for me. I don't have much middle ground. I can already feel some of the pain lifting from my back. I need to keep it up, but it is definitely taking away from other things, like writing that are also therapeutic for me. Today I chose to stay home from exercise and write this. I didn't have any idea what I would write about when I sat down, sometimes I'm surprised at what I start typing. The exercise needs to continue. It is a great stress reliever.

Writing this also helped me come to a conclusion about summer. Yesterday was the last day of Daniel's Kinesiology swim class. He had a wonderful coach this semester. J, I'll call him. He taught Daniel the breast stroke, they swam LAPS! It's so good for Daniel to get that physical exercise. With the extra anxieties he has, I know that we need to continue the exercise for him too. Maybe it will help him even out his system also. But we all know how difficult it is to get our kids to do this sort of physical exertion. I'm thankful that swimming is a way for Daniel to do this. After swimming yesterday, J, offered to continue to work with Daniel through the summer, either swimming or LIFTING WEIGHTS! My first word was "interesting". He thinks it would be really beneficial for Daniel. His body is so huge and strong, but he could use more toning. I can see how it would help his swimming and possibly help him get more in touch with his body. If anyone could do it, it would be J. They really bonded. After writing this I decided that I'm definitely going to take him up on his offer. I was explaining to Todd and Zachary last night what J's idea was. Zachary looked at me and said, "that's what we need, Daniel to be STRONGER, if he hit me he'd kill me". He was joking, sort of. He doesn't hit Zachary but he will scare him and be aggressive. Zachary noted that Daniel hit his own leg in the car yesterday so hard he yelled out "OUCH!!" afterward. What would happen? Would the added strength be a positive or a negative? Would it help his channel some of his own discomfort and anxiety or make him even stronger and less able to judge his own strength? As usual, I won't know until I do it. That's the way it is with everyone, isn't it?

I can only look forward to summer, hope our plans for next year work out, that Zachary's changing schools next year will be all that he hopes it will be. That the transition into summer will slowly take away the heaviness in my chest. That the spring rebirth continues to bring a new year of hope.

Spring in Michigan

We can feel it. The promise of green leaves, flowers and sunshine. After a long cold winter and a very snowy February, spring is in the air. We went from very cold temperatures to the 50's everyday. Which, if you live in Michigan, sends people into a spring frenzy. Some people stopped wearing coats when it was 48 degrees! I say SOME because I do not fall into that category. I am the person who is shivering when it is 75 degrees. Nevertheless, the sun is welcomed with open arms.

Last week the warmer temperatures fell in a week that gave us two half days and one full day off of school. On Tuesday, the first half day of the week, I was trying to paint my laundry room in preparation for a delivery of a new washer and dryer (yeah me!) Only to be met with requests to get the bikes down (they are hanging upside down from the ceiling of the garage by the way, not an easy task). This then leads to "my tires need air" and "can you come on a bike ride". My painting stopped needless to say....

Daniel went on at least 5 bike rides last week. He whips around our neighborhood a MILLION miles per hour. Zachary can't keep up! And at one point when Daniel went FLYING over a rogue patch of ice Zachary reports that he was fearful of Daniel wiping out. Of course Daniel went over it without missing a beat and Zach slid and crashed only to have Daniel continue on at full tilt, with Zachary left yelling "WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!". The next time they went out I loaned Zach my Blackberry in case of any accidents. (yes, I know where that is leading....) Daniel was blissfully in heaven. I found myself thanking God for that Bike camp nearly two years ago. It totally changed our lives. Not only does Daniel get more exercise, but I think he feels ALIVE flying around the neighborhood at warp speed.

The feeling of spring continued last night after Daniel's group therapy of speech/social skills when he was feeling particularly anxious. He had worked really hard and kept all of his scripting in his head for an hour. He was upset at how difficult a game was (and the pace of others playing it). He kept it in. Then when we got into the car, he needed to get it OUT. We arrived at home and he had his usual chocolate chip cream on a regular cone (NOT SUGAR that would be unacceptable on so many levels to him) he requested to go on the trampoline for the first time of the year. In the spring it gets flooded in that part of our yard, but for the first time the ground wasn't under water. We gave him the green light.

Todd and I were watching him jump with joy (literally) on the trampoline. Flying through the air. It still calms him right down. (If you have a child with austims and you don't have a giant trampoline, I recommend you go out right now and BUY one). That anxiety was filtered through his legs and into the air instead of at a slamming bedroom door. It was exhilarating, even from the kitchen window. Then he did his next favorite thing after the jumping, he lays down and watches the clouds float overhead. What a relaxing and enjoyable feeling. To exert the frustration then lay down and watch the light clouds overhead. It relaxes me just thinking about it. That is the payoff in Michigan after a long winter. It makes us think of what is to come in the next months. The beautiful Michigan beaches, the Great Lakes, and for Daniel, laying on the trampoline at dusk and waiting for the bats to fly overhead as the sun drops below the horizon. I can hardly wait.

Spring in Michigan

Last fall I blogged about the changes in weather. Well, here we are and it's spring in Michigan. It was 70 earlier this week. Today it's 20. Welcome to Michigan! They say if you don't like the weather here, wait a minute, it will change. That is so true. But for a child with autism this can be extremely frustrating.

Tuesday on the 70 degree day the kids happened to have a half day. Daniel had worn a short sleeve shirt and pants to school. I try to keep him in pants (as opposed to shorts, not naked!) for as long as possible because once he switches he doesn't want to go back. That day we were walking over to a neighbors and he was really annoyed. He had on his crocs (the other item of clothing he LOVES but I won't allow him to wear unless it's warm out) but he still had on pants. He was complaining the whole walk about the pants feeling "funny" on the crocs. Because, of course, USUALLY he has shorts on with the crocs. Good grief. The crocs were quite a coupe for me. It happened in Florida and I was having a stroke at him constantly having to put on his tennis shoes and socks upon leaving the beach. . . every time. Have you ever tried to put socks on leaving the beach? Of course you haven't, it's nearly impossible! I snapped, (which is usually how something finally changes) and went and bought him shoes similar to these. He had fought this change many many times, but I think even he could see how difficult it was to be putting on tennis shoes and made the leap. It was a great thing, but also a transition we have to make with weather changes.

By the time we got home from our walk he was really mad. My patience was not at it's usual level. I was experiencing unprecedented PMS and was seriously about to snap. When my husband asked how I knew it was PMS, my answer was simple. Because I feel like I want to f''ing kill someone! He laughed (nervously? :) and was all, oh ok I get it. It was such a gorgeous day and it was rather frustrating that we were spending the afternoon (that they had off of school) arguing about the clothes situation. I know how hard it is for him so I was (really) trying to be patient with him, but oh some days it's so hard! Complain complain about my pants. I say, "then GO PUT ON SHORTS!" "NOOOOOOOOOO not shorts". I swear! I tried, oh how I tried to calmly lay it out. I told him he could either 1. go put on shorts, or he could 2. continue in his pants with his crocs or 3. wear pants with his tennis shoes. There was crying and agonizing and I just went outside to watch Zachary (in his shorts and short sleeve shirt that he changed into) demonstrate his "obstacle course" that he laid out in the back yard.

While we were doing this Daniel disappeared. He came downstairs and outside IN HIS SHORTS. Thank God! I am so thankful to have Zachary, besides for the obvious fact that I love, adore, cherish, and admire him as his own person. He is a wonderful model for Daniel. Sometimes when Daniel is so stuck in something he'll look at Zachary and realize he's doing it, maybe it's not so bad. It is so helpful for him, ok for me too.

Today it is snowing again. Daniel wants to know why? I understand Daniel, because I'm so done with this weather too. We are back to pants and "heavy coats". It wasn't as hard as usual to go back but the disappointment is there for all of us. It gets better every year, but every year I'm always asking myself why we live here?