Friday, June 26, 2009

Losing It

I just wanted you all to know that yes, I'm still alive. Barely. I haven't posted much lately, mostly because my life has been turned upside down these last few weeks. No more leisurely days with the children at school all day, allowing me to pace out my to do list in my own time. Instead it is the sprint of the Michigan summer which is always "how much can we squeeze in to these 3 months of gorgeous weather before we are again subjected to 6 months of grey cold?" I feel as though I wait all year for these months and then am always a bit surprised at the radical change that happens with the kids home. I'm not complaining. I really enjoy all the things we get to do together and I am blessed that I get to bring them to our local aquatics center, ride our bikes to the library all the while trying to keep up to the constant demands of food. BUT it is a huge shift for me to not be able to do things at my own pace. I'm still adjusting.

Baseball season is in full swing for Zachary, there has also been a basketball camp for him. Swimming is huge. Our average time in the car increases dramatically with trips both west and east from here. Daniel has been very patient in all of this. Much more so than ever before. We actually sat through the 9 year old baseball game from hell the other day in oppressive heat that went on FOREVER. We had to change fields before the game. All things that spell disaster for Daniel, but he held it together. Honestly a bit better than some of the parents did! I, early on, knew that this was hard for him and whispered in his ear that if he kept it together with no screaming or crying we'd go get ice cream once the madness stopped. This bribe (I like to call it a REWARD) worked brilliantly and he completely complied. I should have whispered something similar to my husband, but not ice cream, because he almost snapped (me too!) by the end of this night. But Daniel, he held strong with the promise of chocolate chip ice cream on a regular cone. It's good to know what your children's buttons are and which ones to push at which times.

We had spent part of a delightful afternoon swimming at our neighbor's house with several people from the 'hood. The next day we were supposed to go swimming at our friends house. We are making the rounds! I started a post about the last time we went to Lisa's but I never finished it. She has an amazing pool and since our first visit there this pool has become the holy mecca for Daniel. He has been obsessed with going back. Yesterday was to be our day. It's been on the calendar. But I had been following the weather and scattered storms had been in the forecast for that day. I continually warned him that it might not work out. Looooooong story short. It didn't work. On the way there (it was cloudy at our house but not storming or raining) we drove into a huge storm. I called her and she called it off. I turned around to go home. Well, all of the waiting, patience, and build up of a few weeks came flying out of his body all at once. He lost it. I haven't witnessed a break down of such amazing force in YEARS. His body was thrashing in the car and frantically grabbing at Zachary is such a mad rush....I'm trying to think of something to compare it to and I can't. I've heard the "all brothers hit each other" but I don't think it is in a mad rage like this. He looked murderous.

I was driving you understand and when he goes after Zachary I lose it. So for all of you who marvel at my ability to stay calm, cool and collected. Here's your pay off. I LOST IT. HUGELY. The times that I have lost it at this level have always been in the car. There is something about my inability to intervene and protect Zachary, Daniel's potential to pummel his head on a window and me not being able to move that is sure to make me snap. Snap I did. I ended up pulling off the road (into a church, which was sort of funny to me, because if you could have seen what was going on in our car juxtaposed against the church, it was nothing if not ironic). I had Zachary move to the 3rd row of seating, out of Daniel's reach (thank goodness he wouldn't ever take off his seat belt while moving) and screamed at Daniel until I got his attention. I then took away all computer for the day. I usually wait until we arrive home to give these sort of crushing punishments but I'm a bit out of practice in these sort of fits. So that made him lose it even more. Not only does he not get to swim at his favorite spot, but he can't even go home to the comfort of his computer. Now I've done it.

Long story long. This went on for THREE HOURS. Yes. Three hours. He was demanding access to the computer. I would not give. There is no excuse for physically attacking someone. Ever. He wanted to know when the new date was to go back to Lisa's. Despite my assurance that we would "at some point" "another day" etc. That wasn't enough. I told him they were going on vacation so we couldn't go. That finally stopped his questions. It took Todd coming home to flip his switch. We ate dinner and I went for some retail therapy. It wasn't frivolous because none of my clothes fit me anymore. So I wasn't exactly thrilled to be looking up a size. Something I haven't had to do in about 15 years. My day was not going well.

But today is a new day. Todd and I have a party to go to tonight. The humidity has broken with the storm somehow making everything seem less oppressive and I'm about to go meet Todd's mom at a half way point between our houses, have lunch and hand the kids over to her for an overnight and swimming at their house. Things are looking up.


kristi said...

Sorry Mama. I lost my shit on TC when we were on vacation. It was only him and I in the car but I had HAD ENOUGH of his crazy behavior. And he called me a bad word which TOTALLY SET ME OFF.

Hope it gets better. I understand how hard it is when plans don't work out and our little guys lose it.


Tanya @ Teenautism said...

Oh, that's a hard one when plans change for something they were really looking forward to, even if we tell them ahead of time that it might not work out. Just a few months ago Nigel had a meltdown over a situation like that. I didn't lose it that time, but I certainly have in the past. It is so hard to keep it together when our kids come apart!

mama edge said...

OMG. You're human? No wonder I like you so much.

We all have a few of those moments, and I like to think of them as opportunities to model appropriate de-escalation, remorse, and atonement to my boys.

Glad you're getting a break tonight! Wear one of your sexy new outfits and strut it!